This is a Modafinil-fuelled, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance inspired, and linguistic satiation encouraged rant.
The problem with sentences (language itself) is that you cannot say one thing without not saying a lot of other things. I found myself stuck trying to write my second chapter a few moments ago, because the sentences which I wrote down were indirectly writing down sentences which I did not type. Like a firework display gone wrong, each of the sentences as I laid them down sparked a lot of sentences which I did not type up, and the page suddenly went out of control as sentences filled it which I could see but were not visible. How do you fish the one sentence out of a thousand, the one vada out of a pan of them, the one set of lips to kiss? You could perhaps say that there is no one vada, no one set of lips. But for all practical purposes, I am limited to one sentence in the space I can fit in one sentence. And this makes me want to pull out my hair.
The modafinil is making me confident and I’m afraid of this, because confidence is the first step towards mania. It is not impossible that I might do something that I might not have done otherwise. Not that these are of much consequence, but if it turns me into doing one of those things, then it is trouble.
I haven’t eaten anything since the morning. Yet I am not hungry. I am hungry in a metaphorical way, however. I am in want of a body, a few paragraphs, a violent act, an act of filth and dirt. I might want to kick someone into a ditch, or push someone out of the sidewalk. My jaws are tight and the tips of my teeth want to sink into someone’s flesh. I might want to strangle someone. Imagine you two sitting as if you are going to spoon the other person and maybe masturbate them. You reach around to their crotch and excite them whatever way they want…but as soon as they are tired, you bring the two ends of rope around their neck, pull those ends together, cross them, and tug on them tight until you can feel something fall back on itself, the windpipe crushed, a few vertebrae broken, their skin against your skin. Very exciting.